Hopefully I can get through this entry without apologising for being behind in blog posts, for being ill and so on because the fact is none of it is something I have control over. While I wish I’d been better at blogging or been able to work on other projects, the fact is my health comes first and cutting down my to do list has been difficult in that respect. It’s been over a month since my last hospital appointment, an appointment which effectively saw a horrible doctor dump everything in my lap and tell me that my all over agonisingly painful glands were all my fault. I don’t want to go into details about that, but he was very rude, very dismissive and very ignorant of anything I had to say. So I am on a journey of self healing, working on several aspects of my life to try to get better. Honestly, I’m not hugely convinced. I was planning to work on one of those aspects anyway, and had already put things in motion for that, but the second one.. yeah really not convinced, neither is anyone else in my life. Still, I have no where else to go right now in terms of finding a solution so I am taking the time to work on these things and help myself.
Being able to defer my dissertation until January has been a big help. I currently only have life things that must be done, aka necessary errands, chores, appointments. That’s not to say nothing else is getting done, current blog post for example; I’m just not stressing or feeling too guilty if I don’t manage it. Now that I look back I realise I’ve been on the go for several years now, with health problems causing me to lose my summer breaks to studying for resits (this one being no exception). I need some me time, some time in which I can have a day of doing nothing if I need to because I feel ill, or simply because I just don’t want to. Even typing this I’m feeling the social guilt that tells me I’m lazy, that I’m wasting my potential. The thing is that we all need time like this, and we very rarely are able to get it.
I was away for several weeks recently on a mini-holiday, and then I was ill with a flu like virus immediately after which curbed my motivation significantly. I’ve been slowly working my way back in to things, doing bits here and there rather than trying to tackle a big project all at once. I’m hoping to build up week by week so not to pile the pressure on, and therefore, allow myself to build whatever it is back up to allow me to tackle multiple things at once – even while ill, because that part of life isn’t ever going away.