I always get to the end of the year and a feel a certain sense of non- fulfilment, and since my ME diagnosis this has grown and grown until the end of last year when it became overwhelming. When everyone was posting about how great 2018 had been, how many blogging achievements they had achieved and how much their blog had grown, I was sitting there feeling like I’d done absolutely nothing with my year. That’s not true of course; I made progress, I had my own achievements even if they weren’t as big as someone else’s, but that lost feeling still remains.
I let myself drift in 2018, and part of that was actually planned. I knew I needed to let go, to give myself some space and not over plan too much. The problem was that I don’t seem to have a middle mode; I either plan or let go completely as this last year has shown. I ended up drifting too much and by the time I realised I’d lost my way it was too late. The good thing about feeling like you’ve completely lost your way is that you can only go up.
My first step is starting the year the right way with a Word of the Year. This isn’t my first time doing this and incidentally I missed it last year, and low and behold I had a bad year. I don’t know where the concept of a word of the year started from but for me it’s my guiding light for the year, the star that I look to when I get lost at sea.
My word for 2019 is…
I’ve considered the word ‘change’ previously, however, this year isn’t just about change; it’s a much deeper transformation. The last few years since my ME diagnosis I feel like I’ve been in a cocoon, a transformative state as I recover and find my feet. Now it’s time for me to emerge, to fight my way back to my life and start reclaiming my place in it. I don’t want to hide at home any more, I don’t want to miss my friends, or miss out on events. For me metamorphosis fits the bill.
Climbing back out, reaching out and pushing myself out of my comfort zone is going to be difficult, it’s going to be painful and I don’t know if I can do it. But I’m ready to try. I’m ready to fight for me.
What I want to change
- Depression & Anxiety – I’ve spoken about my mental health over the last few months and it’s not been in great shape. Realising that there was more going on and had been happening for quite some time was half the battle, and I think I got a handle on things before it got out of control. There’s still quite a lot of work to do though.
- Mindfulness – I’ve fallen out of practise again and need to get back to doing it once a day. I feel like I’ve managed to maintain a mindfulness mindset and awareness, so I’m doing better in that respect even if I’m missing my daily meditations. I need and want to get back to doing those.
- Weight – It’s not helping my physical or mental health so it’s time to get it sorted.
- Physio – Urgh. That is what I think/feel every time I think of going back to physio. I’ve got an open invite when I’m ready, I just know how much hard work it will be and it’s taken this long to get back on my feet; can my body handle physio?
Self Care –
- Skin care – Over the last few years I’ve been testing more and more products and have gradually built up a selection that works for me and my skin. The hard part is sticking to my regime even on days when I feel utterly crap so I want to work more on this as it will help my mental health.
- Nails – I’ve been slowly getting back to doing my nails weekly so it’s getting back to doing that again. By maintaining my nails and a manicure I prevent skin picking on my fingers so it’s an important step in helping keep that in check.
University & Career –
- Dissertation – The big one is getting this done this year. I missed a few weeks over the holidays so I’m a bit behind schedule but nothing too worrying just yet.
- Career – The big scary word that has been haunting me somewhat since I got my ME diagnosis. I don’t quite know what the world has in store for me now that I have ME, and it’s time that I start to work that out.
- Build Myself Up – The biggest challenge I’m going to have with starting my career as an Information Professional is going to be physically being able to do whatever job I start with. There will be other job related challenges but right now even just going to an appointment once a week is a struggle.
- I have a lot of new things I want to do with Just Geeking By, but first I need to concentrate with finishing off the old things and that means doing some boring jobs first. I then need to get ahead on scheduling so I’m always a month ahead – at least – every time because the way I’ve been doing things just has not been healthy.
- I’ve unintentionally shut myself off from the world, hiding inside where it’s safe and I need to – and want to – go out and enjoy life again.
Time Scheduling –
- My time scheduling issues aren’t just limited to blogging. I’ve been getting worse with scheduling everything and coupled with memory issues due to my ME it’s beginning to stress me out a lot. I need to start putting in some serious work to help myself stop losing track of time and being so behind in everything all the time.
How am I going to do this?
- Depression & Anxiety – I already started working on this towards the end of 2018 when I started working with a new counsellor and so far we’ve been working through current issues. He sent me off before the holidays with the task to come back with a list of past/long-term issues for us to start delving into, to start working on what’s in the background causing me issues. So This isn’t really a thing I need to do on my own, or push myself because I have the full support of him there to help me and guide me. That makes it sound a lot less scarier when I write it down here!
- Mindfulness – I don’t want to overload myself with too many things all at once so I’m going to leave this until the start of February I think. Use January to get caught up with a bunch of other things and then by February I hope to be on track, ready to be able to start taking those 5 minutes each day again to meditate. If I try and do it right now my brain is just going to be screaming at me that I have to do too many things – and I also seem to have picked up a virus too which is playing havoc with my ME. So yep, not the right time to try and sit still.
- Weight – I want to go back on a Keto diet as that is what works best for me and my body. The problem is that I can’t go “full” Keto due to one of my medications so it’s finding a balance that isn’t too much ‘cheating’. I know it will be tough getting back into it but I’m also looking forward to it again too as the food tastes so nice.
- Physio – I have light mindful exercises that I can do at home, and I will add them to my daily schedule in a few months time when I feel like it is the right time. Then when I am ready I’ll make the call and get back to the Physio. I need to reach a level of my fitness that I’m happy with myself before I do that, because otherwise I’m not going to be able to do any useful work with the Physio.
Self Care –
- I’ve already been proactive with this and downloaded an app on my tablet to help me keep track of habits. I love bullet journals and habit trackers, however, I don’t have the energy to make a fancy one or pull my journal out every night to complete it. My tablet is always nearby and it takes two seconds to tick things off.
University & Career –
- Dissertation – I already have a schedule created for my dissertation so it’s just a matter of getting back into it again ASAP and catching up in the next two weeks with the word count.
- Career – I want to start out slow by doing some research, work out what my options are and what it is I exactly want to do. That ‘is there a name for that?’ stage of working out your career options. I’ll then build up to contacting my University career centre and also speaking to my dissertation supervisor as I near the end of that.
- Build Myself Up – I need to focus on my dissertation first and foremost, but while I’m doing that I will be working on the more professional aspects of my blog to build that side of things up. I don’t want to end up becoming a professional blogger (no offence to anyone who is but I love my chosen career and I long to do it) but it’s a good supplementary income, experience and helps me build myself up along the way. Once the dissertation is out of the way I intend to start taking on more information/research based remote jobs to prepare myself for meeting deadlines, working in a work atmosphere again etc.
- I’ve divided January into two tasks; finish the old things that need doing and get ready for the next month. I’ve been using my blog planner to keep track of everything and splitting tasks into manageable chunks. I’ll be gradually introducing the new ideas as the year progresses rather than all at once so that I’m not overloading myself too.
- This one is tricky because I need to try not to do too much at once, and also offer myself up too much without letting people down. I had hoped to go to an event for my blog this week and I’m already too sick to go, so that’s a bummer. I’ll be going out once a week for my counselling appointment, and on top of that I am going to start walking down to my library (it’s a 5 minute walk, if that, at the end of my road) once a week. I know I can’t throw myself out the door too fast otherwise my physical and mental health will suffer so I’m going to start slowly by inviting friends over to my house for those long ago given promises of coffee dates.
Time Scheduling –
- I’m not exactly sure how to work on this one. I’ve tried having an exact day to day schedule – you know, having every hour planned for – and it just doesn’t work for me. It’s TOO strict. However, having a flexible schedule is TOO flexible. I need to find something in between and then actually get a hold of my self disciple and stick to it. My new planner for this year is helping me to get on top of things so that’s a good start. I purposefully looked for one that had extra space, built in post-it notes and small note pads along side the main planner. It all folds up into a neat little book. No more run away bits of paper. I can have my list of things, scribble things down and then use the smaller post-its to stick on days for big important things I need to remember ASAP. So far it’s working!
Over to You
Thank you for reading through my Word of the Year rambles! I hope you’ll stick with me throughout 2019 and see how my metamorphosis unfolds. Do you have a word of the year? I’d love to hear about it so let me know in the comments.
How did you feel at the end of 2018?
What are your plans for 2019?
Anything planned for your blog?
As always I’d love to hear from you so drop me a comment!
Share this post!
I hope you enjoyed this post! If you did please consider sharing it on social media using the nifty buttons at the top of the post <3
Support Just Geeking By
If you enjoyed this content please consider helping to support my blog. You can do this in multiple ways (click here to find out how!) or by donating via Ko-Fi to help me reach my current goal.