Welcome to the first edition of Random Thoughts on a Tuesday. As explained in my monthly update at the start of 2021 this series is a safe place for me to explore my thoughts about the world, positive and negative. Sometimes there will be more of one than the other so if you’re someone who doesn’t like to read negative things then I’d advise you to skip this series because I make no apologies for the contents. As I said, this is my safe space to explore things. Trigger warnings will be given if ever needed.
It’s taken me a while to find the confidence the post the first of these because I’ve been worrying about it being too negative. Sometimes that’s going to be the case, and I just need to bite the bullet and just start this thing instead of just hiding it shamefully in my draft folder. It’s not going to do any good there, is it?
- Sometimes it just feels like nothing I do ever makes a difference. I’m feeling it even more right now because I had to take a few planned steps backwards to achieve more in the long run, and even though I know it was for the best I feel like I’m right back where I started. It doesn’t help when big sites or companies seem to only register a blogger’s worth by their thousands of social media followers.
- I feel like I’m getting into groove slowly but surely, and then I remember something else I’m supposed to do or the start of the month appears out of nowhere. Crap, I’ve not done my monthly update again. Damn, that’s another month I’ve not done X. It’s hard sometimes to focus on what I’m achieving instead of what I’m not managing to do.
- I have 10 books approved on Netgalley. That’s a little terrifying to be honest, and the only reason it’s not mostly terrifying is I’ve carefully applied for books over the next few months. Everything is arranged and scheduled neatly so that even if I have some bad days I should be fine. It feels good to be at this stage, and I’m trying to stay in the moment, to remain positive.
Disabilities & Mental Health
- Seeing a discussion about additional support for hidden disabilities and watching as it turns into a circus of able-bodied people turning it into their issues, their concerns, which are nothing to do with what the disabled community needs. When you point this out to them they argue. They quote again that they have disabled friends, and ignore the disabled person right in front of them talking directly to them. When you directly point that out they get defensive and turn it on you, make it seem like you’re the one being unfair and making accusations. They were just saying something else, they say and you sigh and move on. Again. Someone will say you shouldn’t have been so direct, so forceful, you should have been nicer if you want them to listen. But you tried that too. Nothing works.
“I don’t get how he stuck through so many years of illness that’s insane”. If you don’t see the problem there let me put it this way; I’ve been ill since I was born. I was born with one of my conditions and while I didn’t realise was technically disabled until my mid-20s, that was due to society not through lack of certifying qualities. Like the person in question about I’ve “stuck through so many years of illness” and considering I’m permanently on anti-depressants and have therapy regularly you could quite well consider that it did drive me “insane”. That’s not the point though. The point is the ignorance fuelling the comment. We didn’t stick with it, we lived it. What was the alternative? Yes, that’s right, the alternative to not living is quite literally killing yourself. Giving up, ending it all.
Of course, again, when I politely point out how rude this is I’m told I’m wrong. Only when someone else backed me up did they change to “maybe I used the wrong words but…”. There still was never an actual apology given.
- I feel like I spend most of my life holding my breath waiting to expel it in relief and most of the time it’s because I’m dependent on someone else doing something. It’s gotten worse since the pandemic started because I feel so powerless to be able to do something, anything, if they don’t do what is needed. Every week I sit waiting for the sound of the bin being taken down and then (hopefully) back up by the Council. Every Monday anxiety and dread fills me until the Tesco delivery driver has gone without any issues and I can breathe a sigh of relief. Every time a prescription gets approved without complaint and no issues, again, another breath of relief. So many people buzzing around doing “their jobs” or trying to get out of doing their jobs by blaming made-up policies and the like, and every time I wonder; why can’t you just make someone’s life easier for once? What do you get out of being awkward?
World of Warcraft
- I just saw someone with a hunter pet called ‘my ex-girlfriend’. I didn’t see which creature it was but I bet it was a dog or something disgusting. I’m kind of tempted to do it on my hunter, but make it ‘my ex-boyfriend’ and see how many male players bitch at me.
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