I hate going on hiatus so soon after coming back from the last one, however, this one is for an important reason – my dissertation/thesis. This should have been done and dusted a year ago, but my ongoing health issues and eventual (still pending /sigh) diagnosis of ME/CFS meant that I had to continue to struggle along with it at snail’s pace. I’ve now come to the end of the line, time has run out and I need to get this done for my Masters and for my own sanity. The worst part is that I LOVED my Masters, I LOVE my dissertation topic and I am just so beyond frustrated with how slow my progress has been. As a student with two degrees and most of a Masters behind me, I’m no stranger to having written some assignments in the last few days and I know I can belt out 1-2k words in a day without any problems. Thanks to the flu, the following post-viral fatigue and CFS I feel like I am slogging through quicksand even writing this blog post. If you’ve never written a dissertation/thesis, let me tell you, it is NOT easy. It is not just a bigger/longer essay with more words. And I am doing it with such a massive handicap that it feels near impossible.
I refuse to give in though. I have come this far, and while I have to now live my life differently, I am not going to let my health conditions rule my life. I’ve spoken about mindfulness a few times now, and part of it is the idea of living with our bodies, with our pain. I keep seeing things online about people with chronic pain and CFS, and how much control over their lives they have had to surrender. While I love blogging, and want to develop this blog more, I want a career. I want to be a librarian. I don’t want to have to carry around anti-bacterial gel and use it every time I touch anything, worried about every single germ I could catch. I want to be able to go out, visit places, stop for coffee with a friend. And one step in that road is proving to myself that I can do this, that I don’t need further extensions (if I can even get one) on my dissertation. I also need this chapter of my life done, put away and not hanging over me while I continue to recover and adjust to this new life of mine.
It’s taken me several days to even complete this post, and honestly, things aren’t looking bright. I am gradually doubling the amount of work I get done each day and it’s just not fast enough. Hopefully I can still make the final deadline, however, I know this first draft is going to take me a few extra days. So please cross your fingers for me, send energy my way (if you have any to spare!) and hope that I can push through this fatigue to get this done!
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